I hope this doesn't come across as some sort of selfish rant, but I needed some way to let my frustration leak out in the ethosphere. There is a definite duality to life if you're one who is considered an artist. You are expected to be the one with the creative answers. You are expected to have an opinion regarding any type of design aspect in other people's lives. And you are expected to present yourself as a normal, fully functional human being.
At the same time, you have to pretend that your emotions do not rule your life. You should put forth the false notion that you can behave rationally in any situation. As an adult, you are expected to handle your life exactly as every other rational human being would and fit in.
Because of these things, I am ashamed of my artistic impulses. I am ashamed that I think it's funny to have colorful toe socks, which are actually very comfortable. I worry that I'm not presenting myself as the proper father figure because I am given to emotional ebbs and flows.
I am frustrated by the fact that I have to come and sit in the tan cubicle day after day in order to provide for my family. I am frustrated that I have to do this instead of pursuing my passion properly. I understand the necessity of it but I am still frustrated by it.
I wish people would understand that life hurts me and pleases me to much more of an extent than the rational mind because I don't have a true filter for it. My life is a sensory based life where every pleasure and pain is amplified 10 fold and it can have a physuical affect on me. Causing anxiety and depression. And I would love to have someone tell me they understand how I feel instead of telling me I need to find a better way to deal with it. I know I have to find a better way to deal with it. I am not ignorant of my position as a father and a husband.
I'll get off my soapbox now. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope I didn't push too many buttons. But I feel better now. :)
Nick M.
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I understand how you feel. Sincerely I do. Its good that you took the time in your rant to include statements that show you are not ignorant to the 'rational' line of thinking we are forced to take. Yet at the same time, you expressed the emotional side of it well also. Hang in there man.
ReplyDeleteIn no way is this blog supposed to indicate any sort of resentment towards having a family and supporting them. For that I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. The resentment is my inability to turn my art into the support and thus the cause to become a rat in a maze with everyone else.
ReplyDeleteI dont think ANYONE is going to read this as you having any resentment towards your family. You'll get there someday man, wish I could get us both to better places quicker, it will happen. Just takes time, and a bit of chance occurance.
ReplyDeleteYou've been using brand X again, haven't you?
ReplyDelete