Monday, February 22, 2010

The Contradictions of being an artist

I hope this doesn't come across as some sort of selfish rant, but I needed some way to let my frustration leak out in the ethosphere. There is a definite duality to life if you're one who is considered an artist. You are expected to be the one with the creative answers. You are expected to have an opinion regarding any type of design aspect in other people's lives. And you are expected to present yourself as a normal, fully functional human being.

At the same time, you have to pretend that your emotions do not rule your life. You should put forth the false notion that you can behave rationally in any situation. As an adult, you are expected to handle your life exactly as every other rational human being would and fit in.

Because of these things, I am ashamed of my artistic impulses. I am ashamed that I think it's funny to have colorful toe socks, which are actually very comfortable. I worry that I'm not presenting myself as the proper father figure because I am given to emotional ebbs and flows.

I am frustrated by the fact that I have to come and sit in the tan cubicle day after day in order to provide for my family. I am frustrated that I have to do this instead of pursuing my passion properly. I understand the necessity of it but I am still frustrated by it.

I wish people would understand that life hurts me and pleases me to much more of an extent than the rational mind because I don't have a true filter for it. My life is a sensory based life where every pleasure and pain is amplified 10 fold and it can have a physuical affect on me. Causing anxiety and depression. And I would love to have someone tell me they understand how I feel instead of telling me I need to find a better way to deal with it. I know I have to find a better way to deal with it. I am not ignorant of my position as a father and a husband.

I'll get off my soapbox now. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope I didn't push too many buttons. But I feel better now. :)

Nick M.